Just touching base

I heard from my hubby yesterday we talked a long time on the puter. He is doing as well as can be expected. He misses the kids and I terribly. I haven't told him that his sister, who is on post with us, is going to Ft. Bliss in Feb. I don't know how he will react to this news. I also didn't send out a red cross message to my husband when his grandfather had to have emergency surgury and the dr's didn't think he would make it. I was trying to wait it out so if it got to be to bad I could possibly get him here if things went wrong. Thankfully his grandfather has made almost a full recovery and is at home. I will tell my husband when he gets home the news. I didn't want to cause him undue stress over there. The kids are asking me everyday when is dad coming home I still can't tell them, but they know it will be before to much longer.

With the help of my friends Morgana and Chris I have come to realize that I am backsliding in my depression. All I want to do is hide in the house away from the world. I don't want to talk to my two best friends in the world. Nothing is making me happy. I don't remember the last time I laughed just to laugh. I have an appt. on the 31st to do a med check I have to talk seriously to the dr. I can't be like this when my husband gets home the smallest thing and I am so angry. Which I learned from my research that if only one side of the bi-polar is treated there are issues like anger. I have to get back to some sort of balance. I feel like the world is just a really shitty place right now, I don't see much good at this point. I have many things that are good in my life. I have a wonderful husband(even though I bitch), 3 beautiful kids and the best friends I have ever had in my life so I know I am seeing the world wrong. I am forcing myself to be alone right now because if I don't I am not a nice person to be around. I need help I am seriously struggling right now.

One day closer

Well the days are getting smaller until the man of my life comes home. I have talked to him twice in the last two days. I feel better for having talked to him, but I just start missing him more. He seems to be doing well in the land of cat litter. He is joking and laughing with me. I got to see him on the web cam he looks healthy even if he does need a haircut. I can't wait to hold him in my arms again and know that he is safe for sure.

The kids start school in just about a week from now. I have spent money out the hinny to make sure they have what they need. I have one in middle school and two in elementary school. My twins are excited about going into 5th grade my oldest really doesn't want to go to the middle school. I just want them to have a good year and continue to grow and learn.

A tad bit peeved

I have recently leaned that my blog is being read, which in itself surprises me. Who really wants to read the ramblings of a cranky person. What I am upset about is the fact that I guess some of the people reading me are realy close to home. I don't care that they are reading what I write, I would think that it would be boaring for them considering they are all in different battalions that my husband is. My information is important to me and the people who are close to me. I use the blog as a way to express what I am feeling so I have a way to vent harmlessly. I am as honest about my feeling on my blog as I am in person. I try to be an honest peson on all fronts of my life, sometimes I succeed sometimes I don't. What gets me is that the people close to me are reading my blog and making coments to each other instead of coming to me. If someone has a question about my blog why not ask me. Especially if you know who I am and how to talk to me. If you are commenting on my blog to other people about what I am writing it is no better than gossiping. You are asking if a certain person is the one who snapped at me so that I wrote a blog about. If you truly want to know something don't go to someone else come to me. You can e-mail me, comment on me, or if you are close by talk to my face. Don't hide behind a facasde. I honestly don't care who you are, but do not make assumtions that you have no undersatnding on or else you look like an ass.

Screwed up

Well my world has been screwy for the last week or so. If you have been reading my blog by now you know that I am bi-polar, which in itself is a pain in the ass. Well my doctor has decided to mess with my meds. I am breaking over little shit. The last couple of days I have cried like I was a little kid over nothing that would upset me. Right now it feels like I am in a pit trying hard to keep my head above the water that keeps rising everyday. I have my own personal issues, I have the concerns about my husband being in Iraq, and I have to worry about my oldest son on a daily basis. I can't do anything for my husband except be here for him anyway he needs me to be. I am doing everything I can do to help to figure out what is wrong with my son, but sometimes it feels like I am failing miserably. My own issues are dependent on the meds I take, sometimes the weather, and sometimes on what is going on around me. I feel that I am a strong woman for the fact that I do face these and more issues on a daily basis. I am doing no more that any other military spouse but somedays it is such a struggle to stay in a decent mood with all the dip shit people that have no clue who I am or what I am about. I do try to be nice to everyone. Some of these issues will be alieved when my husband returns but there will be a whole new set of issues also. I have to take everyday at its own pace, right now I am not sure what my mood will be like in a couple of hours much less tomorrow. Until my meds are on the right level I will continue to struggle hard everyday. I hate this problem but I know it is a necessity if I am going to find the proper mix to help me to remain stable.

Stupid things

I have come to the realization that most people live to do stupid things. While our soldiers are gone the family members left home do some of the stupidest things. One of my old friends, I use the term loosely, was paying for a service that turned into an affair. Her husband doesn't suspect. He has called home because he got scared on a mission because he saw a truck get hit by an IED. All the wife did was laugh at him. How can you laugh at your man when he is reaching out to you for some understanding and love. I realize that we all react differently to things, but this woman in the past has shown she can be a cold hearted bitch. I feel that if we are married to a military person it is our job as their spouse to offer them comfort anyway that we can. Even if it means just lisening to what they need to talk out without laughing about how they feel. Another person that I am acquainted with had asked for information which I was able to find, turned around and bit my head off for trying to help her. All I have ever done is try to help where I can whether it be my husband or neighbors or friends. I know I do stupid things I am only human, but damn it is like while the soldiers are gone the stupider people become. I know everyone's life is different and we all struggle day to day, but sometimes I wish the people who wish to judge me could live with my stressors for just one day and see how well they can handle everything that I try to balance and try to keep a good out look towards everyone else at the same time.

Getting closer

Well we are getting closer to the time for my husband to come home. The kids and I miss him so much. We only have a few months left to go, wooohooo. My hubands company has been in the news a lot these last couple of weeks and most of it is not good press. When the news broke that some of my husbands people were being investigated for the rape and murder of a girl and her family I was scared. So far I haven't recognized any of the names that have been released to the press. I am trying to get my husband to get out of the deuce. I know that he likes the people he serves with for the most part, but I personally don't want him to be lumped in with this small group of screw ups because they are and were together in Iraq. Look at the damage that was done in both Vietnam and WWII when small groups of soldiers did the wrong things. My husbands guys have done a lot of good in the area that they are in, but what will most people remember when asked about the deployment. Incidents like these eat away at the moral of all the soldiers and at the moral and well being of the people on the home front. I know that my husband believes in what he is doing and that he is one hell of a good man. I just don't want what happened when the guys returned from Vietnam to happen to our guys now because of a few peoples mistakes. I love my husband with every fiber of my being and I will support him in any choice he makes regarding his Army career.